Honest Conversation Is Overrated
Actual Human Interactions Witnessed Or Overheard
In Twentieth And Twenty-First Century America
In Twentieth And Twenty-First Century America
Continuing decades of absolutely terrible communication skills, my dad calls to tell me he's picking up his mother.
Me: "Oh, she's going to live with you now?" Dad: "Nah. I'm picking her up from the morgue." Me: "Oh." Me: "What happened?" Dad: "She died." Me: "How?" She was 95, so probably not skydiving or in a bank heist. Dad: "I don't know. No one will tell me. But the cops just showed up to let me know she's dead. None of her caretakers are answering their phones. So I'm going to Connecticut tomorrow. I have no idea what I need to do. I guess I'll call you when I get there." Me: "Ok. Let me know if there is anything I can do." Dad: "Talk to you later." 2019 can suck a bag of porcupines.
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My Dad: "I see you brought chicken broth. How much did you pay for it?"
Me: "I don't know." My Dad: "Tomorrow is Black Friday. You could have gotten two boxes for $4." Me: "Then I wouldn't have had it to make dinner with today." My Dad: "We should pick some up tomorrow so you'll have them for next year." Me: "I'll pass." Me: Did you ship something to the store this week?
My Dad: Yea. Me: I thought so. You addressed it to yourself and you didn't put the store name on it, so nobody was sure who it was for. My Dad: Yea, I wrote my name with your address on one label, and your name with my address on the other. I figured the address was the important part. Me: Ok. What's in it? My Dad: Oh, I got you a pair of jeans, a windbreaker, and a leather jacket. Me: For my birthday? My Dad: Oh no. It was your birthday? Me: Yea. Tuesday. My Dad: I didn't even get you a card. Me: But you got me jeans and two jackets*. I can wear those. I can't wear a card. This man has bought me clothes exactly once since I was in high school. A few years ago, he sent me four xxxl t-shirts and a pair of jeans I could have used as a hammock. My Dad: I think I got you the right size this time. If not, you can return them. Me: Ok. Where did you get them? My Dad: From a catalog. Me: Ok. What catalog? My Dad: I forget the name of it but I put the catalog and a bunch of coupons in with the clothes, in case you wanted to order more. Me: Ok. I'll let you know if everything fits. My Dad: Sounds good. I'll work on getting you a birthday present sometime soon. What did your mom get you? Me: A card. My Dad: You can't wear a card. Does this mean I win? Every Member Of My Family: Are you hungry?
Me: No thanks. EMOMF: Want me to pack you a lunch? Me: No thanks. I have a long bus trip to work, and I'll sleep through most of it. EMOMF: I packed you a lunch anyway. Me: Thanks. EMOMF: It's two sandwiches. Me: Thanks. EMOMF: I remember that you don't like condiments so I've slathered them with mayo and tomatoes, which you have hated since you were six. Me: Great. EMOMF: And a bottle of Diet Dr. Pepper. Two because I know you don't like diet soda. Me: Of course. EMOMF: And I put a king sized box of crackers in there. Me: It's just a two hour trip. EMOMF: And a tin of almonds. Me: What? EMOMF: You liked last night's steak, right? Me: Yes. Thanks. EMOMF: I packed four of them in your suitcase. Me: I have to go to work. They'll go bad. EMOMF: I froze them and when you get up, I'll wrap them in plastic and your towel. Me: Great. EMOMF: And cookies. Me: I told you I'm not going to be hungry. EMOMF: We should leave the house by 630. Should I wake you up at four? Me: No. Not ever. No. EMOMF: It's 315, why aren't you up yet? Me: I set my alarm for five. Go away. EMOMF: It's 330, are you awake? Me: This is why I don't visit very often. My Dad: There's cream cheese in the fridge in the garage.
Me: When did you buy it? My Dad: It's still good. Me: Dad, this cream cheese is older than my cats. Driving through the town where she grew up, my mother points out houses, forgetting what happened to me in one of them.
An uncomfortable block later, she says "That's the country club where we taught Adam to golf." and points to her left. "That's a graveyard." I say "And you parred every hole." I come from a weird family. My mom just texted me "May The Fourth be with you." along with a recipe for Darth Vader cookies.
The "holiday" has officially jumped the left shark. ---------------------------------------------------------------- I almost posted my confusion about how she even knew I was interested in Star Wars because, apparently, I forgot the Return Of The Jedi sleeping bag she bought me, and the millenium falcon she bought me, and all the action figures she bought me, and the collectible Return Of The Jedi glasses we got from what was probably McDonald's, and the fact that the only reason I saw those movies is because she and/or my dad took me to them, and that she knows that I work in a comic book store, It's like I don't even know me. During my break from work, I called my mom:
Mom: I was just going to e-mail you, you must have ESP. Ken wants to know what you're doing for National Poetry Month. Me: Hiding. Ken (in background): Who is on the phone? Mom: It's Adam. Ken: What's he doing for National Poetry Month? Mom: Hiding. Ken: What? Mom: HIDING. Ken: Why? Mom: Why are you hiding?" Me: It was a joke. Mom: It was a joke. Ken: It was a joke? Mom (to Ken): It was a joke. (to me): I was just about to e-mail you to ask you what you're doing for National Poetry Month. Me: Well, now you don't have to. Regular conversation ensues. When I hang up the phone, I get a text, letting me know to check my e-mail. The e-mail says "Hey Adam, it's Mom. It was great to hear from you. You must have ESP. Ken would like to know what you're doing for National Poetry Month." I hope to live for a long time but I never want to get old. My Dad: "Ok. Mr. Boston, time to watch Cheers."
Me: "Mr. Boston? I live in Cambridge." My Dad: "But you go to that Cheers bar." Me: "No I don't." My Dad: "You've never been there?" Me: "I don't think so. Maybe? Once?" My Dad: "People from Boston don't go to The Cheers all the time?" Me: "Are you going senile, dad? Do you go to The Jaws Beach all the time?" My Dad: "So that's a no?" Me: "No." But now we're watching Cheers.You know, like people from Boston do. My father likes to impress me by his ability to predict what is going to happen in a TV show that came out fifty years ago, that he has probably seen three or four times a year for the last decade. In this way, he is like his mother who tries to impress me with her predictions about Law & Order reruns.
The only difference is that my grandmother is always wrong and my dad is right about 60% of the time. "You know how all of those people are getting on that giant, fancy boat? I bet it's going to sink." "But, dad, The Titanic is unsinkable!" |
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